I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
