the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
