Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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