Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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