Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My ass is underappreciated
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
