Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize