Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
