On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
