If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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