1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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