When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
