you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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