There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
