So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize