If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
