Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
