before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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