Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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