and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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