also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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