dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
