I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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