I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
