she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize