I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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