why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
