last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
