i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
