every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize