i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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