Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
