Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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