its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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