I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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