my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
