I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
