My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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