i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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