Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
