You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
