When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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