u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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