The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
