so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
