Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
