your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
