I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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