The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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