I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize