i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
