if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Alive.
So much puke
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have post one night stand depression
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
