GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
