Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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