if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize