And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
