watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
