my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
