I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
