well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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