ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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