Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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