i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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