so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
