she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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