The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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