I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
